Sunday, March 23, 2014

Every Night

Last night for 5 straight hours I was trapped inside the enigma machine of sleep terror and paralysis. I had died in my sleep and woke up in a Dahli like surreal world trapped between life and death. The pain and terror of trying to figure out my own death was far too real and exists beyond the dream, like the movie Flatliners, I have crossed dead and living into both realities. Welcome to the fiction that my sleep calls life.

Saturday, February 15, 2014

igˈzôst

I had a revelation in my medication induced sleep last night:


My purpose/suffering is to filter hate and violence that consumes me and exhale philanthropy and love. Even at the expense of my soul and sanity. Self destruction for the greater good.

Monday, February 10, 2014

Childhood Dreams

When I was a kid I always wanted to be a Serial Killer. But I was always picked last for the team because I was too small.

Failed at failing. Story of my life.

Wait till they see me smile and score! Put me in coach. I am ready to play. 

Saturday, February 8, 2014

Quit Smoking

When I was a kid, my Guidance Counselor asked me what I want to be.
I said, "A serial killer."
My counselor said, "You can't be a serial killer, killing is wrong and you would go to jail."
I replied, "I am growing up in jail and the only way to free myself and others is to kill them."
She replied, "You shot me!? Why?"

"Because now you are free and now I have deserved the prison I have been sentenced too. When I was a kid I was beaten because I smelled like smoke and accused of smoking. I hadn't, I was at a friend's house whose parents smoked and that is why I smelled. Yet the first thing I did after being beaten and locked in my room for 3 months was to buy cigarettes and go smoke. I have been smoking ever since. If I am going to be punished for a crime I didn't commit I might as well commit it. There is no double jeopardy only premonition. You made a monster by trying to prevent it. Killing? It is as easy for me as it is for you to live. You don't contiously think of breathing or making your heart beat. That is the same as it is for me to end all existence. I can kill everyone by killing myself."

I can kill everyone by killing myself. 

Sunday, January 12, 2014

True Story Part II

Two reasons I don't become friends with people:

1) I will get too close to them and then they will die on me.

2) I will get too close to them and then they will fuck me over. 

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

True Story

There are always two things I think of when I meet or see someone:

1) how to kill them

2) exit plan

Monday, December 30, 2013

I Can't Go Just Yet

I almost lost my life the other night.

The compound effects of illness, too much medication and withdrawals put me in a downward spiral. I haven't felt this way since college when I stared down an upward tuned empty bottle of sleeping pills.

It is like floating. Like an out of body experience. Yet it is far from peaceful. More like the absence of physical form, absencent because the life is being ripped from you.

I still existed. Yet all physical form and feeling were gone. All mental realities were gone. My thoughts and I were as vast as the universe and as empty as well.

As I popped in and out of reality I spoke nonsense trying to convey what I felt. What I dreamed. Even now being healthy and remembering it all I cannot articulate the feelings and thoughts. 

Yet what did I gain from my experience besides a silly story?

I am more than ready and willing to seperate myself from this body and this life. I have no fear of death or the permanence of the solitude that comes with it. I welcome it. I beg of it. Yet the pain I felt somewhere between here and there was the seperatation from the ones I love and serve.

Our existence is petty and meaningless when we live for ourselves. Yet when we live for others it gives our life purpose and value.