Last night for 5 straight hours I was trapped inside the enigma machine of sleep terror and paralysis. I had died in my sleep and woke up in a Dahli like surreal world trapped between life and death. The pain and terror of trying to figure out my own death was far too real and exists beyond the dream, like the movie Flatliners, I have crossed dead and living into both realities. Welcome to the fiction that my sleep calls life.
Saturday, February 15, 2014
Monday, February 10, 2014
Saturday, February 8, 2014
When I was a kid, my Guidance Counselor asked me what I want to be.
I said, "A serial killer."
My counselor said, "You can't be a serial killer, killing is wrong and you would go to jail."
I replied, "I am growing up in jail and the only way to free myself and others is to kill them."
She replied, "You shot me!? Why?"
"Because now you are free and now I have deserved the prison I have been sentenced too. When I was a kid I was beaten because I smelled like smoke and accused of smoking. I hadn't, I was at a friend's house whose parents smoked and that is why I smelled. Yet the first thing I did after being beaten and locked in my room for 3 months was to buy cigarettes and go smoke. I have been smoking ever since. If I am going to be punished for a crime I didn't commit I might as well commit it. There is no double jeopardy only premonition. You made a monster by trying to prevent it. Killing? It is as easy for me as it is for you to live. You don't contiously think of breathing or making your heart beat. That is the same as it is for me to end all existence. I can kill everyone by killing myself."
I can kill everyone by killing myself.
Sunday, January 12, 2014
Wednesday, January 8, 2014
Monday, December 30, 2013
I almost lost my life the other night.
The compound effects of illness, too much medication and withdrawals put me in a downward spiral. I haven't felt this way since college when I stared down an upward tuned empty bottle of sleeping pills.
It is like floating. Like an out of body experience. Yet it is far from peaceful. More like the absence of physical form, absencent because the life is being ripped from you.
I still existed. Yet all physical form and feeling were gone. All mental realities were gone. My thoughts and I were as vast as the universe and as empty as well.
As I popped in and out of reality I spoke nonsense trying to convey what I felt. What I dreamed. Even now being healthy and remembering it all I cannot articulate the feelings and thoughts.
Yet what did I gain from my experience besides a silly story?
I am more than ready and willing to seperate myself from this body and this life. I have no fear of death or the permanence of the solitude that comes with it. I welcome it. I beg of it. Yet the pain I felt somewhere between here and there was the seperatation from the ones I love and serve.
Our existence is petty and meaningless when we live for ourselves. Yet when we live for others it gives our life purpose and value.